"Well how did you know?" I asked.
"I just knew," she replied.
"But how? HOW?" I insisted.
She just smiled and continued icing the cake. Last summer I was standing in Erica's kitchen and somehow we ended up talking about relationships. I remembered Erica telling me about meeting her husband and just knowing that he was the one. I'll be honest. I didn't get it. Excuse me. I'm slow. I needed a more practical answer, one that seemed logical. She never gave it to me. She didn't need to. When TJ and I got together, I knew. Don't ask me how I knew. I can't really explain this phenomenon. I just knew.
Fast forward to November. We were in Vietnam for a week long holiday. After exploring Ho Chi Minh City, TJ took me to a small beach town where we had simple, honest moments. Riding bikes to the fisherman's town, splashing in the rain, eating at the same two restaurants every day, and talking about where we wanted to be in ten years. Then early one morning, as I was getting ready for breakfast, he asked me to come sit next to him. He had his guitar out and said, "I want you to hear something new. Can you tell me what you think?" The song was about us. "I feel at home when..." After the song he made this cute speech and told me to reach into his shirt pocket. And there it was...my ring with an engraving that read "s. lemonade." We had joked that when we get old we'll sit on the porch together drinking homemade strawberry lemonade. Really. I can't imagine a more perfect person to grow old with. I said, "YES!" [my favorite word in the English language]. So now we're engaged. It has been two months and I love him more everyday. I can't wait for the wedding, but most importantly I can't wait to be married. I can't wait to say, "My husband..."
And now if you'll excuse me. I need to go dance around the room with my fiance.
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I finished An Object Of Beauty yesterday. I still enjoyed Shop Girl a lot more, but now I have the art world on my mind. In undergrad, while experimenting with every major possible I thought I had settled on Art History in my third year. That was until Ancient Chinese Art and the excavation of all pottery known to mankind killed it for me. I still love art and museum hopping, though less frequent now as the art scene in Cambodia is still growing.
[And I have an unhealthy obsession with museum gift shops].
Grant Wood. American Gothic. 1930. The models (Wood's sister and dentist) standing next to the finished art work. No big deal...
found via Miss Moss
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We write to each other, that's what we do. Little love notes to tell each other how our day is going. Emails, Skype messages, and little scavenger hunts for the sweetest handwritten cards. The first time I knew that I could fall for him was when we talked about my fear of getting hurt. I told him about the massive and dare I say, impenetrable wall that I had built since Matt and I broke up. His response? "I'll paint some graffiti on that wall and when you're not scared you can climb over it and see how pretty it is." And that's when I knew I could love him.
I met T.J. the first day I arrived in Phnom Penh but was so jet lagged that I couldn't remember what he looked like, let alone the conversation we had. Months later when I was out with my friend, Kate, I felt a light tap on my shoulder and turned to see him grinning at me. "Hey, we should grab dinner or drinks sometime," he yelled over the music. I, still buzzed from the dancing, nodded my head clumsily and said, "Uh huh sure, sure." And when he disappeared into the crowd, Kate tugged on my arm, impatiently wanting to know who that was. Not recalling, I shrugged my shoulder and said, "Well...I'm not sure. I think he was just being nice though." "Well I think he likes you," Kate said pointedly.
T.J. and I did finally have dinner but still railing over a breakup I ended up talking mercilessly about my ex-boyfriend. That went on in every one of our dinners and lunch. I spoke about the breakup, I spoke about my life with my ex-boyfriend, I spoke about the things I missed, what went wrong, and what I could have done better in order to save the relationship. I didn't have an inkling that T.J. liked me caused he just sat there and listened. Patiently. When I went home to Colorado in June I still had a tiny hope that Matt and I would get back together, perhaps because I thought getting back together meant I wasn't giving up. But truth be told, the relationship wasn't meant to be fought for. It was meant to be thankful for and grow from. I spent five long days packing, shooting a wedding, packing some more, trying to process, crying (no wailing...drenched in sweat and tears).
When I walked onto that plane to go to California I was ready to move forward. And through it all, there was T.J. He had turned into my most trusted confidant. It never occured to me that I would like him more than a friend. It never occurred to me that it must have meant something that I get excited for our daily skype sessions (me in the States and he in Cambodia). None of that crossed me mind until one day the puzzle pieces came together and I knew I liked him. The irony of it was that I chose to tell him when he was making a connecting flight from Seoul to California and by this time I was back in Cambodia. And so began our daily ritual of writing to one another.
"The desert smells like rain" he wrote and I knew then that I could love him.
"The desert smells like rain" he wrote and I knew then that I could love him.
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Petronella says:
Wow, thank you for letting us into your heart & sharing a piece of yourself. So beautiful. I heart!
(09.27.11 @ 12:09 PM)
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I've been thinking a lot about transitions, alchemy, transformation, life, death, rebirth and how my adventures in the past six months have shaped me into someone more honest, true, and raw. It was not easy going through a breakup. There's nothing that really prepares you for the tearing of your soul. It was as though someone had ripped my heart out and devoured it in front of me. I kid you not. There's no real remedy for a broken heart except maybe patience and even that is very trying. So ten months ago I did the only thing I could do: I taped colored construction paper onto my Khmer tiled walls and had dance parties. By myself. Friday nights and IT. WAS. ON. I danced like nobody was watching and then I would go to bed exhausted but feeling alive.
Aside from that, I lived by myself so I was alone with my thoughts more than I'd like. But it helped. It helped that I had that time to process, to grieve the loss, to write and tear out pages from my journal, to be frustrated, to self-loathe, to learn to love myself again, to forgive, and to eventually trust in who I am.
So now I'm back. There's much to tell you about love, about adventures, about being alive. Life, all of it, has been good. People, all of you, have been good. I am just incredibly happy and I want to share it with you.
For now, photos from a SoCal Shoot Out that took place in San Juan Capistrano this past June. I had so much fun connecting with other photographers and just shooting to my heart's desire. Here is Kristen working her gypsy magic. She was a marvel.
Venue: The Tangled Vine
Video: Jakfoto Productions
Stylists: Heather Skelton
Hair: Diego Ortega assisted by Kristen Macchio
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LEAP. Faith will catch you.
Last week, I spent four days packing. Six boxes shipped to my sister in California. Half my life thrown out. Sad. relieved. exhausted. Starting over. Moving forward.
Tuesday. I boarded a plane and didn't look back. I put on my headphones and shamelessly listened to Taylor Swift as my relationship played out in her songs.
I landed in California. Mom looked at me and said, "Your life isn't over, it's altered." She gave me a Cambodian kiss by playfully placing her nose against my cheek and sniffing. I giggled. We made dinner. Almost everyone was with me. We laughed, Dad grumbled. We talked about big sis's engagement party. It was loud but inviting.
I'm home.
After all of this, I still trust in the journey. I trust that love will take me to better places.
LEAP. Life is waiting.
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Andrea Fasula says:
I love your blog and more importantly, i LOVE you!! xo
(06.08.11 @ 06:05 PM)
sabrina says:
chatti, life is what you make of it. don't ever forget that! have fun with this new chapter in your life
(06.09.11 @ 10:45 PM)
Rathy says:
Hi Chatti: I feel like I have been in that place a couple times before, and I just had to learn to truly believe in myself and in what I make of my life. For whatever lies ahead for you, stay strong and proud. You are one talented Cambodian woman.
(06.21.11 @ 06:24 PM)
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As you're reading this, I'm over the Pacific Ocean eating airplane food and watching a ridiculous movie (The Beautician and the Beast anyone?). Cambodia has been home for 6 months but I'm looking forward to my long holiday in the States. I'm so excited for the beach, fourth of July fireworks, and just hanging out with my family. Oh and running on a freshly mowed lawn. Yes...I obsess about grass.
Anyway. I'll see you on the other side. I'll be in Southern California from June 6th - July 7th.
Interested in a shoot? Check out the engagement special here.
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The past six months have been crazy!
The core of who I am is still intact but I also feel different. E-V-O-V-L-E-D. I wake up every morning feeling blessed and happy! Things have fallen through, people have exited my life, but amazing people have also entered and new doors have opened. I feel very much alive! The only thing I've been disappointed with myself is that I haven't shot as often as I'd like. I was beginning to feel a bit stagnant and losing that artist side of myself. It's one of the worst feelings for me. So this is what I did to get my groove back:
{It was even better that we ended up at an ice cream shop.}
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Lucie says:
You do a great job. Just love the way you see people around you. Do not stop...pleaseeee:) xxx Lucie
(05.29.11 @ 08:49 AM)
Brav says:
Thta's Toto isn't it?
(06.09.11 @ 12:34 AM)
chatti says:
it is. it is. one of my fav ice cream shops in PP.
(06.09.11 @ 01:32 AM)
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The hum of the washing machine is cutting into this otherwise silent home. Sunday is meant for resting but there's hardly any rest in this corner of the world. I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm right now. The world spinning so fast around me that I am seeing double. I love my jobs. I love the careers I am building. I ravel in the amazement that is art therapy and I feel extra special that I get to witness and document weddings. However, lately I've been feeling drained in the worse possible way. I haven't slept very well. I'm on constant go, go, go and I don't know how to stop and breath. Even as I'm writing this my internet browser has ten different pages up, I'm stuffing myself with grilled fish and mango sauce, and swatting mosquitoes. I'd like to believe this makes me multitalented but let's be real, I need one of those license plates from Bubba Gump that reads: STOP, CHATTI, STOP! As a therapist I educate my clients about the importance of self-care but sometimes it doesn't dawn on me until I'm on the edge of collapsing that I need to relax. As a business woman I can't emphasize enough the importance of giving yourself space and time to re-energized. It's as important for your clients as well as for yourself.
So this Sunday. I'm off to get ice cream and a 2 dollar pedicure. I plan on sleeping afterwards. For 12 hours. Straight.
I like how unpretentious the above is. Not trying to be cute or witty but simple and honest.
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Happy weekend my friends. It's going on 3 months in this little corner of the earth called Cambodia. It's been a whirlwind, ups and downs, inside and out and turn around. The experience has me on my knees. After the missing and the kicking and screaming subsided, I came to realize that I can actually enjoy this place. I have an amazing opportunity to give myself in service to others, and the time I am spending here will not go to waste. I promise. I will have stories to tell and pictures to show and new friendships to cherish. There's been lots of reflecting, art making, scribbling on pieces of found paper. Words just pouring out, I am spilling open. I am happy.
WPPI can wait till next year.
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So many thoughts streaming through my head. Sometimes, I find myself so overwhelmed that the mere idea of going out and getting the mail is exhausting. But...I do it anyway because I know that life is a roller coaster and the downs has its ups. I am generally not a sad personI have come to writing lists again because...well honestly I LOVE writing lists. I find that whenever I feel lonely or sad writing, even if its just lists, helps. To me, the act of putting pencil on paper is somehow meditative and centering. And in the midst of this beautiful mess, I need to feel centered. So I present a list of things that makes me happy:
1. Laughing like no one is watching (thank you Otto for the above photo...Otto is such a sweetheart).
2. I have regain most of my range of motion in my left shoulder. If you have followed me on twitter, then you know that a few weeks ago I injured my left shoulder...to be exact I tore a tendon. It is a big tear. After many doctors visits I think we finally have a game plan on how to repair the tear. It involves stem cells and it really cool.
3. Crafting. Regaining the use of my arm means I can now sew, and knit, and crochet, cut, paste. You name it I'm gonna do it. Watch out for an etsy shop to help fund Cambodia!
4. Matt 'cause he's my best friend, partner in crime, and the most handsome talented man to hit the face of the universe. I'm so glad he's mine!
5. Cake pops from Rachael.
6. Most of you know that I nanny on the side. I love my three kids and sometimes I refer to them as my babies, my loves. I don't even want to think about leaving them!
7. My friend Elise, the mother of the three kids, surprised me with two tickets to the advanced screening of Harry Potter. It plays on Nov. 17th, one day before I leave for Cambodia! I won't have to see a bootlegged version after all!
8. Cambodia...but really that deserves its own post.
Have a wonderful rest of the week my friends! I feel better already.
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Lauren and Chris says:
I love your lists...I love this list:) You have so many exciting things coming up!! You and Matt both made mine and Chris' day so awesome! We wish the best for you both!!!
Happy weekend....
Elise Miller says:
SO glad you: 1) have the use of your ARM! 2) Are looking forward to the Harry Potter show! Maggie is over there now (the friends that is having the after party) listening to the cover band! 3) Are HAPPY
(11.06.10 @ 05:39 PM)
Lucie says:
Matt and Chatti, I just love all your pictures, you are amazing. Thank you for sharing them. You do a great job!! xxx sending you greetings from the Czech Republic xxx Lucie
(12.01.10 @ 11:55 AM)
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What a beautiful love story!
(01.12.12 @ 11:18 AM)Oh my gosh, how did I just see this blog post NOW??? Love the engagement story! hehehe
(02.09.12 @ 02:22 AM)